Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in laura's LiveJournal:

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Monday, October 29th, 2001
2:35 pm	The sun spilled over the horizon projecting a shadow of pain behind me, the sky grasped my faith and made it strive, the sand was pressing against my feet and the water splashed at my toes. And I sink. Drowning into nothing. So much around yet there is nothing to hold onto. There is no more shadows, the sunlight disapeared, the sky dropped to the ground, and the sand filled my lungs. Footsteps came atop my face, no one saw my hand reaching out. I cant breathe the sand in any longer and my body is bruised. Then you came along, kissed my hand and kissed my heart. The sun beamed into my eyes, the sky turned the brightest blue, the shadows came back filled with love. You took my hand, led me to the water. The sand was behind me, and I never looked back. We swam. We swam until it didnt hurt anymore. Until we couldnt see the pain. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 30th, 2001
3:39 am	hmmmm Life has been so weird. Its like I have had a billion fucking horrible situations, but they just seem so great to me and then i find out the truth. lets see here it all started when i asked brad rosen to homecoming. yep... and he said no. i was like shooting myself in the head. and then later that night, a young man named ryan richman asked me to homecoming... great huh... no he has a girlfriend. and i didnt find that out until after i got attached... so then i drag on throughout life to a REAL man (hes 21) named Jason. sXe and all. he is a cutie. but i havent really found out anything bad yet, hes had sex with 10 girls or so. and i am a raging virgin. raging. yup. but i am so afraid to find out more. or not find out anything at all until the end. fuckin shit. we kissed tonight, nothing exotic or special. but he is the cutest lil boy i have eva met. wow i sound like a wigga in da house Current Mood: Weirded out. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 17th, 2001
8:34 pm	DOOTSREDNUSIM Im shivering in the darkness, naked and alone, Cant patch up these holes of painful manifestation to make this life better, I cried the pain out until I was dry, Bled the fear to the ground until I was alone again, Noone wiped that tear away when it was the end, it fell to the floor and left along with my soul, I lost it all in a moment of fear but the fear is still lost within with the misery of tomorrow and the regret of yesterday, escaping the truth and tormented with honesty, Everytime I get a taste of Heaven, I get thrown back to Hell, Pandemonium and fire in my heart, Nothing to look forward to, No reason to be, I cant exist in a forgotten dungeon in this neverending nightmare, Im an angel thats fallen, I cant find my way back, Only fear... Nothing but fear, Our fears do make us traitors, but when Im so alone, I have no one to betray. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 17th, 2001
3:00 pm	i think im in love... Current Mood: indescribable (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 14th, 2001
10:52 pm	When Sharks Attack i think hes the one. but how badly i dont want it to be like this. how i push these thoughts away. i wish they didnt exist. i understand that nothing can come of this but more regret. making me smile is such an easy task with him. anything to make me forget about the hate. and he succeeds. life is so stressless and meaningful. with the gun in my hand and my finger on the trigger. he tells me that i have to give the future a chance. there is so much ugliness in this world, but the future will bring beauty. and thats what i dream for. the future and the beauty it holds. but one of the most beautiful things that i see up ahead is him, with me. but it just cant happen. i cant walk on the shaky ground of hell to get to my love and to get to my life. too scared to be happy, ill just stay here oh so unsatisfied. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Monday, August 6th, 2001
12:35 am	. Okay I only have 5 minutes to write about everything that I feel right now. Its really hard when like 293502395 people are IMing me and shit. At this very moment, I just feel this immense neverending fucking emptiness. Its like some fucking emptiness that can never be filled. Well, lets see, I dont know how to explain it so you can all understand. This emptiness is like a gas tank to a car, you fill it up and then drive around and the gas goes down and down and down until you are running on fumes. And then when you reach empty, you car breaks down. Its exactly that, except my car breaks down all the time. I have a fucking gas leak. Im always running on fumes and I think that i can just make it one fucking extra mile, but i breakdown and im left on the side of the fucking road. There are no call boxes for miles, no tow trucks in this town of mine. Im stuck on the side of the road with nothing but an empty tank. Its a wonderful feeling too. Current Mood: uncomfortable (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
1:18 am	I think Im dead. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
11:48 pm	Inexistance. I dont dream anymore. I just want my preterition to be a fucking lost oblivion. Instead of looking back and crying. I want to look ahead and have a neverending mass of hope despersing throughout my body inside and out. But no matter how wonderful I know it will be if I just smiled an extra smile or danced that single dance. I cant do anything but remember. Dwell on all of lifes teachings that I am too incompetent to learn. So you ask why I chose to destruct this life slowly until its gone. Im nothing but a failure. Im just an apple that never wanted to fall off the tree. Too much uncertainty and fear to walk down this stone path without shoes or socks. The single lone cloud in a sky full of crystal clear nothingness. The dark cloud that demolishes everyones image of a beautiful day. The tear that slides down your cheek that you tend to forget and never store it in your memory. Just wipe it away onto your sleave until it evaporates into something no one ever sees. something no one ever feels. You breathe me in, then breathe me out. Just a simple breath that you take in without thinking. And let go without caring. I tried too hard when there were no guidelines. Never tried when expected for so much. Ive been lost for so many years. Ive never known my direction and what I am waiting for. My life was dropped into a hole of disapearance that no one can see. Time and time again they can hear my shrieks. These pleads for help go in one ear, then lies of comfort and concealment tuck you in at night to make you feel cozy. As I sleep here on this grassy hill in this cemetary, I feel like Im in the waiting room for my future. A wall full of magazines try to take my mind off of what is for waiting for me beyond the light yellow doors. Headstones and flowers take my attention. This isnt me. The lost souls and forgotten names that are in the shadows of everyones brain. Stored away into a closet of their blood. Pumping throughout your veins, but always kept in that dusty cardboard box hidden in the back. If you ever accidently get a glimpse of this box, tell yourself its just a brown cardboard box and nothing else. Just a simple box. Dont think about whats inside. Soak yourself in the mystification that it is just a box. Lies lies lies. Deny the pain to make you forget. To feel comfortable and satisfied with the brain that you call well educated and aware. When really it is nothing but an oblivion of intentional forgetfullness. Ive been forgotten. Im just that box. A dusty box that you turn your back to. The magazines dont make me forget why Im here, Ive just never really known why I exist all together. If Im just a figment of your imagination, and a single stroke in an ongoing pertuity of a painting thats put in the back of a museum. Why am I here and why cant I ever just disapear from being so alone. I cant stand to be misused and avoided when I can be lost in my own personal exemption. I am my own box. Im just another name in this cemetary that has been lost. The rusty gates have been closed and a do not enter sign is resting proudly on the bricks. I need you to notice me. Im alive but no one ever taught me how to live. Current Mood: Zoned out. (Comment on this)
11:37 pm	Sad??? You think Im sad??? what made you think that. . . GRASPING on the edge of life TEARS of regret run down my face HOLDING on in hope to survive but how badly i want to leave this place TRAGIC losses and memories have taken me to where i stand IM afraid of losing more i cant take your hand EVERYONE has a time to end and this is mine NO matter what happens you are my life but there was no incline NEVER getting better I think this is my end IM sorry for all the pain ive caused and how i need to follow this trend BUT now i realize i still have time to save myself and forget the rest I know and completely understand that suicide is for the best ITS the best thing i need at this moment in time IM too afraid to come back and im too weak to climb IM sick of running from my fear IM tired of crying the same fucking tears IVE tried to make this pain just stop I cant do anything but let my life drop YOU joined the rest and made me alone TAKEN me to such a regretful zone I hate you all and ill never stop THERES just too much blood for one single mop Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 25th, 2001
2:22 pm	987654321 nudity and pink floyd. i couldnt be any happier. god im fake. Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 24th, 2001
11:25 am	How would you do it? I seriously want to get a gun and shoot myself in the head. My life is like this fucking emotional rollercoaster, not like the average 'emotional rollercoaster' that everyone goes through. I swear that my roller coaster has little inclines and huge drops that just seem neverending. I hate this life. Anytime I think that its going to perk up and just maybe... I dont know... be livable, I get the fucking worst luck or something, and life just goes to shit. Straight to shit. I dont know what the fuck happened and why everyone gets to experience all these beautiful things and experience happiness which is the most beautiful thing of them all, and here I am alone, with nothing to do but cry. Nothing that I can do but cry. These tears just never stop flowing, no matter how hard i wish for them to go away or how many times a day i try to think of something else. Everything leads to pain, everything is suffering, everyday im alone, everyone is a stranger... I dont ever want to be bothered, I dont want to get involved with anything or anyone because in the long run... no fuck the long run, in any fucking run, its going to hurt. I dont understand how such a beautiful day could lead to such pain. Im so unstable lately, I dont want to live because I can never genuinely smile or ever just experience the good part of life. I can't even breathe sometimes, especially when I cry. I just want to die. There is nothing else that I want more. Well before wishing for my death I would probably wish for happiness, but some wishes just never ever come true. Current Mood: homocidal (Comment on this)
Monday, July 23rd, 2001
11:52 pm	Kcuf I had a horrible evening. It wasnt your average horrible evening tho, it wasnt even a bad one..... but it was horrible. I cant explain, and i wont explain. I would give you all way too much satisfaction. Current Mood: alone. (Comment on this)
6:24 pm	This is why I love myself. God, seriously, I was thinking this morning when I woke up about spiders. Because I woke up with this corazy bug bite on me. Maybe spiders arent all that mean, I dont think that they crawl around in my bed to bite the shit out of me because they hate me. I honestly think that they are hickies, spiders are just horny as hell. And a spider in my room would be way horny considering i dont believe in clothes when Im at home and I do everything naked.. including sleep. Eeeew. I bet you herpies started from a spider crawling into some womans vagina and the spider just gave the girl a harmless spider hickey. What kind of pessimist started calling it a spider bite.... assholes. You know what... thats all i have to say today. tonight i shall write more encouraging words of what goes on in my head. OOOOOH!!!! I had a dream..... NUMERO TRES DE LAS PESADILLAS DE LAURA *To be completely honest, i dont really recall everything about last nights dream but this is what i can remember* So it all started at school, and everyone was talking about homecoming, but no one wanted to go with me and I was extremely sad because EVERYONE at the school was going. So anyway, I ended up going home that night, which was homecoming night. And I sat in my room, then I walked downstairs and homecoming was on the first floor of my house, but they wouldnt let me go down there because i didnt have a bid or a date. My mom was in the kitchen slaving away on food to feed everyone and everyone kept throwing a million cardboard boxes at her while she was cooking. Then later I asked her if i could leave and she said yeah and she told me she would drive me to the library. So i jump in the car and she brings this cat with her that can talk. We drive and drive and this cat is just sitting in the back seat bitching at me the whole time. The end. Current Mood: Cooooorazy! (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 22nd, 2001
11:50 pm	On losing weight.. late nights... and drunken 40 year old men So Ive lost about 12 pounds or so. Its not too noticable in my eyes but everyone is like seeing me as some anorexic freak. Im not anorexic, I just cant eat because of the pain from the wisdom teeth shit. They keep telling me that its okay to eat -the doctors that is- but i cant. Oh well, no one ever died from hunger....... cough cough Moving right along, so tonight I get this call at work from this drunken guy and he is like Come TOooOo My Partttttyyyyy.... he said he was 28. So i tell bobby... he says that we have to go! because this is what life is supposed to be, full of spontaneous acts the make life LIFE. So we go and there are just two guys who look about the age of 40, give or take a few years. And he is DRUNK. His house, is incredible. Its this huge huge mansion, its called Capistrano Castle or something ag like that. You walk into the front doors of his house and there is this pool with all these tropical plants. So anyways, what i am getting to is this drunken man kissed me on the cheek, it was repulsive. He lives really close to me too. EEEeeek! So while we were there he is just continuously commenting on my beauty, he goes off for seriously about 2 hours about how beautiful i am.. and when it started getting creepy, Bobby stepped in. He was like yep, isnt she beautiful, this is my girlfriend. And he was like............ Oh. and backed off, he questioned us about our relationship and assured us that he could pleasure me more than Bobby ever could because of his riches, following that with DONTCHA THINK? and i was like Nope. I think that the only type of people that could ever pleasure me are guys like this with a brain like this ( as i pointed to Bobbys head) and a face like this (grabbing each of his cheeks with my pointer finger and thumb). Bobby pretty much stayed just a little bit longer to drink 2 beers then we THANKFULLY left. It was a horrible experience, but in a sense, it was a memorable one. So the night moved on quickly. I went to the beach with Bobby, we talked and talked. And I saw a shooting star and wished. Well... Ill write more about what happened on another entry. LAURAS PSYCHO WEIRD-ASS MOTHAFUCKA DREAM #2 I woke up in my dream in a drunken haze. Laying in my bra and underwear, and i look down at my stomach and i have a huge tattoo of this naked chick on her knees holding a gun. I freaked out because my dad is going to see it and flip out. Then I made this BRILLIANT plan to just wear shirts and cover my stomach until I am 18. Seconds later my dad says WE ARE GOING TO THE BEACH! THROW ON YOUR BIKINI!!!! ................... I was screwed. But then I guess I didnt go to the beach and I sat infront of the mirror and just stared at this tattoo of mine that I had gotten and then i look at her boob and i was seriously having anxiety attacks because I thought people would look at her boob when I was wearing a bikini and say SHEESH WHY ARE LAURAS BOOBS SO LOW. It was scary. Worst nightmare ever....... I am hoping to have another one just like it tonight. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 20th, 2001
11:09 am	Yo tengo muchas problemas en la cabesa Okay. I have seriously made some big decisions in life, they are all gonna stay up in my head. But I think today is a day that I am going to go in search of a psychiatrist. I really cant afford paying for it without my dad helping me out, I am going to seriously struggle money-wise. But shit has to happen. I just dont know where to find one. Last night I had this dream that I worked at this pizza place at the beach, and one day at work I parked my new F150 behind the pizza place. And after work when I went to my car, there was graffitti all over it and two guys standing next to it. The older guy was pacing around my car repeating over and over again, I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. and the younger guy came up to me and said that he smoked a lot of crack and lost control of his mind and spray painted shit all over my car. I was like 'okay, whatever'. Then I called Eric from my carphone and asked him how much it was to get a paint job, he said about 600 dollars. So the next day I go to work and the graffitti wasnt on my car oddly enough. I go to the beach instead of going to work, but the shore line (where the water crashes into the sand) was in my friend Emilys living room. And there were a whole bunch of these shrimp like things in the water, and i guess there was a yellow one that they owned and everytime it came up onto the shore, they would all scream YELLOW in unison. It was scary. Then I had to call my work because I forgot to show up, and Emilys dad handed me this cellphone that was made out of cardboard with a whole bunch of crayon marks all over it, like a 5 year old kid made it. He told me it was an IT 2000. I called my work and they said I had to make coupons by hand and pass them out. that was the end. I have issues. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 16th, 2001
9:59 pm	Today SUCKED Got my wisdom teeth taken out today, it wasnt bad at all. Just wish more people looked out for me today, but instead i did alot of sitting all alone. Oh well. This isnt bad. Ill just bored today and stay online and read about boring shit all day. Its already 10 though so Im fine, Ill just go to sleep soon. Sigh. Alright, I just decided to add that I am writing a book, its about me. Well it is based on my life. Sounds kinda self centered, but considering that I know myself best, why not write about me. um yeah (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 14th, 2001
11:59 pm	i dont even know what to title this. I spent the entire night with Bobby. It was so cool.. I asked him where he wanted to go tonight, most times when I ask my friends they are like MMMMMM I DUNNO.... but he was like Santa Monica. So I drove there, it was so unbelievably cool. I like him a lot. I cant explain this feeling I have, he is like giving me this really great feeling tho. (Comment on this)
1:44 pm	I hope you fucking die. I fucking hate you. You have no respect for anyone else, all you do is care about yourself. You fucking waste of life. Stupid fucking waste of life. You realize that if you died, no one would genuinely care? because you never cared about anyone but the person who looked back at you in the fucking mirror. But you seriously have no reason to care about yourself, you are a fucking asshole of a friend, and you treat everyone like shit on the fucking ground. I hope you die. I wouldnt even fucking care. No one would. Dont you feel special now? Good.. you shouldnt. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 11th, 2001
11:11 am	Do it till it feels good.... ooh sound so sexual Fought with eric last night. I unnecessarily told him all these things that piss me off, Ive come to the conclusion that I will never be able to have a single relationship that isnt jacked up completely. And I also came to the conclusion that I am a fucking bitch and he would seriously be better of without me. Way better off without me. Fucking A. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 9th, 2001
2:34 pm	I fell on the very first step of my stairway to heaven. Im at a really weird point right now. I'm not necessarily sad. I dont really feel depressed. I just feel alone. Maybe most of my loneliness is my choice. I kind of just want to get out of my house and leave and find some people who feel what I feel. Then I wont feel like such an outcast. I hate sitting here alone. I truly hate this. I dont have anyone to call, no one ever calls me, my parents are never here anymore, i just want to go somewhere and sit under a tree. And just smoke cigarettes until I cant breathe anymore.... sigh. Lately I have been thinking about seeing my mom, but I think the only reason I would want to see her is because I am lying to myself thinking that she is going to fill some hole inside of me. Thinking that maybe once I meet her, I will have this parent who will listen when I need to talk and hug me when I cry. We all understand though that that is only everyones fantasy, it isnt real and it will never be real. But facing reality, I understand now that she is just going to be another stranger that I dont know. Shell never be my mother. She will always be just a stranger. But isnt everyone a stranger to me? I am going to wear my pants today, I wish I could find that missing piece to my glasses because they are so dorky, I love them. I swear that one day I am just going to freak out tho and just reach the point of insanity. I think lately Ive had a few times that should have been wakeup calls to notice that I am heading nowhere but straight to my living hell. But of course I am too ignorant to do something about it. I feel like writing a poem, but I feel so unoriginal. I think the only thing that I can do right now is go buy comics, sit alone in my room and read them. Then later, Ill draw some more Johnny because he makes me feel normal. (Comment on this)